Welcome to Part 3 of 4 of Kristin's Journal Entries...

02-24-05...

As I pulled up for my 6pm appointment with Dana, I was very tired.  I really didn’t know what we would talk about and I didn’t have energy to even want to talk.  I waited in the waiting room for about 10 minutes.  I could have easily fallen asleep.  The soft music was very soothing and was just enough to put me to sleep.  When Dana came out to get me, I jumped up and was very excited all of a sudden to start my appointment.

I know that I am doing the right thing by seeing her weekly.  I definitely look forward to it and it is just really nice because the session is all about me!  I love that!  I was very talkative this session.  Also, I feel so comfortable with her.  I told her right off the bat about Carmen’s aerobic striptease workout that I got.  She said that that sounded like fun, but asked if I was intimidated to do it.  I said that I was not, but I am more concentrating on the “5, 6, 7, 8…” counts.  I haven’t added “personality” to it just yet.  Ha, ha. 

We started off by her asking me how my week went.  I told her that I had a successful week and that I didn’t binge at all.  I told her that it’s probably the first time that a week has gone by and I haven’t binged.  It felt really good to say that!!!  I told her that I have been going to the gym almost every day and I feel better about myself.  She told me that she was very proud of me!  It’s nice to have someone say that about me.  Since no one really knows about my little “secret”, I feel lonely at times.  It is really nice to be able to share this information with her and know that she is going to be there to listen. 

She asked me why I felt that this week was a success…  Hmm, I didn’t really know.  I told her that it really helps that I am seeing her every week and it helps that I feel I am learning more about myself and my ways.

There was one day this week when I was heading out to Taco Bell, Fuddruckers (to go, of course), McDonald’s… just anything that I could get my hands on.  I felt really overwhelmed at work.  I was running around like crazy and so many people were demanding so much from me.  I wanted to escape, so when I left for lunch (I didn’t bring my lunch that day) I wanted anything and a lot of it.  I ended up wasting about 30 minutes driving around from one place to another…  I finally settled on Subway.  It was actually really good and hit the spot.  I had some Sun Chips with it and I felt really full!  Thank God!!! 

Sometimes I feel that someone or something has control over me.  This other something pulls me in different directions and plants little things in my head like “You want to eat a lot right now because it will make you feel better.”  I do have more control over it and I guess I can drown it out more…  It’s still a challenge though and I feel like I still have a long way to go.  Again, I asked Dana if it would always be this hard.  She said that it would not and that she can already see such an improvement in me.  Yay!!! 

This whole month of February has been life-changing for me.  I told Rob, I admitted this problem to myself, I found some help, and now I am on my way to being “normal”.  Well, what is normal?  I don’t exactly know, but I just know that I want to feel normal.   

I told Dana that I have enjoyed spending time with her and her listening to me.  It’s been really nice and I feel like so many pieces of the puzzle are coming together.  It’s really nice!  I feel like I am aware of the reasons that I act like I do or say things I say, etc.  I feel like I’ve already learned so much about myself – probably more this past month than my twenty-four years.  I just feel so good.  I feel like I am figuring out who I am.  I feel like I have become more decisive. 

I also feel like I am capable of saying “no”…  Not all of the times that I want, but more than I used to.  It’s just so nice to start to feel in control of food and so much more.  Who would have thought that an eating disorder isn’t just about eating?? 

It is way deeper than just food.  I never would have thought.  I just don’t feel alone anymore and that is an incredible feeling!  I feel like everything is going to be OK.  I really do.

Continued tomorrow...

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