Welcome to Part 2 of 4 of Kristin's Journal Entries...

02-17-05....

"Since I first told Rob about this disorder, I’ve been really tired.  I’m usually in bed by 9 pm.  I remember that I went to sleep at 8:55 pm on Valentine’s Day.  How lame am I?  I am just SO tired all of the time.  Yesterday on the way to my appointment, I was talking to Rob and asked him “Do you think that something is wrong with me because I’m tired all of the time?”  While I was at my appointment, I brought this up to Dana.  She said that it is not that I am physically tired, but I am mentally tired.  I told her that I think about this 24/7 and it almost consumes me.  It even affects my mood. 

Lately, I jut haven’t been interested in being all chipper at work and people notice.  She said that before I admitted that something was wrong, I avoided the problem… this is not good and not very healthy.  Now that I’ve admitted something isn’t right with me, I’m letting that consume me and all of my energy, which, surprise, surprise, isn’t healthy either. 

She said that I need to find a balance between both of them.  Basically, I know that there is something not right, but I can’t focus all of my time on it.  I have to distract myself from focusing on it because when I want to come back to it – it will be there waiting for me.  I’m not over it yet, so I need to distance myself from it at times.  How do I do that?  It does make complete sense to me, but it is probably easier said than done.  I do think about it all of the time… If I’m not thinking about it, I’m reading about it…

I told Dana that I made a new friend.  I can only talk to Rob so much about it because he doesn’t know what I am going through.  He’s good to listen, but doesn’t offer anything after.  I told her that I have felt lonely because I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to…  then I told her about my new friend in the UK that has the same problem.  I told her that I found her email address on a psyche forum – binge eating.  I remember reading her post (from last year) and feeling like “Wow – she is going through the same thing as me!” 

I was SUPER excited and immediately emailed her.  When she emailed me back, I was so happy to read it.  We’ve been sending each other really long emails and that helps me so much!  I feel like I have someone to talk to whenever I have a question or just want to talk.

She is a little further along than I am…  She hasn’t binged for 2 months, so it is nice that she can offer me advice and help me go in the right direction.  I really enjoy having her to talk to.  Dana thought this was really good and really healthy.  I think that it will make me not feel so alone during these hard times.  Dana said that this is why group therapy is really good. 

The next thing we talked about was me and my feelings this past week.  I told her that I had had some hard times and that I felt very depressed this week.  I started crying and asked if it was always going to be this hard.  Is food always going to be such a struggle for me?  Am I always going to turn to food when something isn’t right? 

It’s so scary when I don’t feel in control of my own life.  She said that this will get easier and that it will not always be a struggle.  Right now, she said that I am in a very good place.  The pieces of my past are coming together for us to learn why I binge.  The next step will be identifying what to do in these certain circumstances.

All last week, people at work have asked “Is something wrong”  “Are you ok” “You don’t seem like yourself” It is SO &*($% annoying.  They are right – I probably don’t have the smile on my face that I used to.  I have things going on right now and I just don’t feel like smiling.  I don’t feel like making small talk with people.  I just don’t care.  I want to feel better.  I don’t want to force a smile; I want it to be natural.  It’s just really irritating. 

I told Dana and many times throughout the day I just want to go in my car and scream – she told me that I should.  Maybe I will start trying that out next week and see if it makes me feel any better.

Dana told me that it will take a while to heal and get over all of this… but that I am on the right path and that I am doing very good.  She said that this will get easier, which is a huge relief!  She told me that she doesn’t want me to have to be in therapy… but she was honest in saying that she doesn’t know when enough sessions will be enough.  It would be so much easier to know that in a certain number of months, she will tell me that I am cured.  The unknown is a little scary.  Am I going to be in therapy for a year?  For 4 more months?  WHAT???
I told her that it is easy not to binge when I have to “report” to her weekly.  Of course, I do not want to admit that...  BUT why do I have control now and that I haven’t before?  Does seeing someone make that much of a difference?  Then I told her that I am worried about becoming dependent on our weekly sessions. 

What happens when we are done having sessions?  Will I go back to my old ways?  She said that that is what we are working towards – me not going back to my old ways.  Once I have a better understanding of why, we can replace the food feelings with other feelings.  It sounds like a good plan."

Continued tomorrow...

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